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Let’s Make Facebook a Better Place, Part Dos

January 5, 2012

Here we go, Round 2. I cranked out resolutions #1-3 in Part Uno, and now I’ve come up with a few more that will hopefully keep you from looking like a douchelord next time you assault the news feed.

By providing these resolutions, I’m not trying to claim that I’m a guru when it comes to FB etiquette. Why, just last month I posted a status that got ZERO likes. How embarrassing! So now I’m here to ensure that this doesn’t happen to you, because I now know first-hand that it’s straight-up traumatic.

But enough about me…let’s talk about you. Some of you guys are stuck in 2004. Seriously, are you still posting DMB/Sublime/jam band lyrics as your status? Omg, there’s no hope for you bro. Sames goes for those who post about the weather. You are beyond reform. For those of you who can still be saved, here are some more resolutions to follow in the new year:

4. Pick a decent cover photo. Contrary to what you might believe, you are not ready for your close up.

This one is tricky. If you are already using the new Timeline profile, you know how excruciatingly difficult it is to choose the damn cover photo. I eventually ended up selecting a pic I took of some graffiti, which was a total cop-out, I know. But I was just so nervous that putting up a snapshot of myself would lead to my grill looking positively massive onscreen.

Don’t let this be you. Do us all a favor and learn from poor Gloria’s mistake.

The proportions of the cover photo are a bit overwhelming, which means you need to play it cool. Save the glamor shots for your actual prof pic, and opt for one that has a bit of scenery or something other than just your mug. Even if it’s a nice mug, you still have to be wary of close-ups. The immense size of the cover photo means that if you zoom in a millimeter too far, the rest of us will be able to see every last one of your nasty pore holes.

5. “Like” the right things. Because those guilty pleasures you actually like are probably unacceptable.

Remember life before the “Like” button? Me neither. Long gone are the days when you simply had to list your favorite interests, movies, and music. Nobody cares if your interests are “friends”, “beach”, “fun”, and “hangin’ out”. If you have two or more of those phrases listed under your interests, ask yourself this: is there anyone else in the whole galaxy that doesn’t also enjoy those things? Yes, we all enjoy “chilling” and “vacation”…duh. But unlike you, dipshit, we don’t specify those things because they’re already assumed to be true. Zuckerberg and his minions realized that a looong time ago, so it’s time for the rest of us to stop being such Winklevosses and play a little catch-up.

These days “likes” should be thought out a little more carefully. I mean, I like “Hot In Cleveland”, but I’m sure as shit not going to “like” it. Nah, instead I’ll probably say that I like something more sophisticated like “Breaking Bad”, even though I’m actually two seasons behind on Jesse’s meth den antics–mostly because I prefer to watch real meth addicts on TLC, the Trashy Life Choices channel. (And then afterwards I’ll watch my quietly beloved “Hot In Cleveland” with Betty White…”Get it? It’s funny because she’s SO OLD!“)

The point is this: the next time you are about to click like on the “Khloe and Kim Take New York” page, you should replace it with something far more respectable like “The Wire”, to show that you only fux with high-brow TV. Same goes for all the other categories and interests. When in doubt, resist the “Like” and make the world a better place.

6. STOP messing with the saturation feature on your photo editing software. Pale white people: this one’s for you. We know you’re pale–don’t try to fool us.

This one speaks for itself. I know you’re going for the bronzed goddess look, Miss Margaritaville. But this is what we really see:

Yes, I used my own face so nobody could get mad at me for using their photo. Yes, I look scary and radioactive. Yes, it always looks this stupid.

7. Avoid vague status updates. We all know you’re just trying to get attention.

If I have to waste even one second of my life reading your depressingly dull and vague post, you are the worst. I’m sorry, but “Wow, that was crazy!” is not a status. Neither is “Well, that sucks.” or “Here goes nothing!” No, no, no. Nobody knows what you are talking about. Nor do they care. I even had to reprimand my own sister when she posted this little nugget of wisdom:

Next time you post a vague, one-word status as idiotic as this one, remember this: for every 1 person that asks you to elaborate (“Aw, what’s wrong?”, “You OK, dude?”, “What happened?”, etc.), there are 25 other people that think your status was absolute bullshit. That’s a scientific statistic.

Alright, that’s enough out of me for one day. Now I need to go check my Facebook and see how many of my own resolutions I’m violating. Later haters.

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