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Let’s Make Facebook a Better Place, Part Uno

January 4, 2012

I’ve decided to stop having a social life and start blogging again. You’re welcome.

So first things first: it’s the dawn of a new year, which means it’s the perfect time to reexamine our collective Facebook etiquette. Yup, 2012 is here, and everyone who’s anyone is making the switch to Timeline. Unless you’re like me, and terrified to read the rubbish you drooled out in 2005. Now, over half a decade later, it’s exhausting to keep up with all the social networking maxims. Thus, I’ve taken it upon myself to compile some basic online etiquette rules, as a sort of refresher course on How To Avoid An FB Faux Pas. (Because we all still remember that time you posted about your being unfairly blamed like an “escape goat”. Smh.) So here are some new year’s resolutions for Facebook that we should all abide by:

1. Change your underwear more often than your profile picture. You would think this goes without saying…and yet, apparently it doesn’t.

2. We don’t care how cute you think it is: no fake middle names. I’m looking at you, Taylor “T-Thang” Shook.

Everyone has one of those annoying Facebook people on their “friends” list–you know, the kind of people who coin substantive catchphrases like “LMAOOOOO :]] text ittttttt”.)

Other trying-too-hard middle names include Robbie CountryBoySwagga Monroe, Blake DaCollegeBoy Millan, Bridget Breezy Beezy, ChiddyChiddyBradBrad Williams, Courtney LovesLife<3, Mike PongChamp Jones, and Patricia TooCayoot.

3. Assume a staunch anti-duckface stance.

The duckface, for those who aren’t familiar with it, is a peculiar grimace in which one tries to be seductive but, in actuality, looks like they made kissy faces with an overripe lemon. This one is directed mostly at myself, as I am apparently incapable of making any other face after three or so drinks.


I love myself and I hate myself.

BUT NO LONGER. 2012 is the year I dump the duckface for good, strive to make somewhat normal mouth shapes in pictures, and redeem myself as a respectable non-lip-pursing member of society. Because let’s be honest: duck lips are almost as lame as holding up gang signs or posting self-taken cleavage pics. Never. Cute. Ever. (Note to friends: please remind me of this new personal anti-ducklip pledge next time I go out and get rowdy. Get mean if you have to!)

Mmkay, that concludes Part One. The second half of this post will be up tomorrow, in which I will continue to derail all the whackness trolling around my news feed. There should definitely be enough Facebook resolutions for a Part Two…I just haven’t thought of them yet. So, uh, goodnight.

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 30, 2012 7:55 am

    Nice to read your blog

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