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Unsexy Halloween

November 4, 2011

This year I decided to treat myself to an “unsexy Halloween”. I didn’t want any fishnets, thigh-highs, or side boob—no, I wanted just the opposite actually. Something really fabulously unflattering. Basically, I wanted an outfit that would make boys run in the opposite direction, and dammit, I found it:

Yep, that’s me. You can tell it’s me because my nose is poking through the right eye’s mesh covering. I call this the “cute bladder infection” pose. (My friend Will took this photo…by the way, you should check out his stuff because his photography is nasty. Like in the good way.)

To be honest, it was an incredibly liberating costume, especially for a large dance party. I felt like a ninja—a large, goofy ninja, covered in yards upon yards of green polyester blend. I could sprint around like an imbecile and holler and get all up in peoples’ faces, with (almost) total anonymity! I could never do that in my previous costumes (Sexy French maid, Sexy Little Red Riding Hood, Sexy Angel…Okay, you get the idea: clichéd and awful).

I think my “unsexy Halloween” initiative started last year when I wrote an article about chauvinistic feminism and then I forced myself to retract some of those ideas in a follow-up  article about slut-shaming. Both articles are problematic (although I maintain that the articles’ 700-word limit strongly contributed to that), but they nevertheless still got me thinking about the potential benefits of skipping the traditional sexy H-ween garb:

PROS of Gumby GetupYou can bend over without flashing someone. You don’t have to worry about looking even remotely attractive. Your non-ability to dance becomes irrelevant, because strangers can’t see your face. It is comfy and vaguely reminiscent of a Snuggie. That drunk girl in the lingerie (oh wait that’s her costume) keeps saying how HA-LAYER-EE-US you are. You commend yourself because you can wear a costume that doesn’t have “Sexy” in the title, but then realize that drunk girl was mistaking you for a dude. Bystanders are generally delighted and amused when they see a life-size Gumby—you know, except when they’re not (see Cons).

CONS of Gumby GetupBystanders generally assume you’re just a weird, creepy guy looking to lure a chick into your strange little suit, and don’t want to dance with you until you assure them of your true, harmless identity. All your girlfriends look really hot in the subsequent Facebook album….You don’t. You look like a freak. Peeing is an ordeal. Your skin gets a light coating of green fuzz. It is hot and sweaty. No, I mean like really freakin’ scorching. You will sweat your face off.

All in all, it was kind of a draw. Next year I’ll probably just go back to something that calls for a miniskirt and boobs.

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