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Betches Love This Post

September 29, 2011

There are two types of bitches in this world. First, there are your average run-of-the-mill bitches, like myself. We are often perceived as such because of our fierce self-confidence and outspoken nature. These are great traits to have…if you’re a man. If not, you’re pretty much confined to infernal bitchdom.

Then there is the other kind of bitch. No, not female dogs. I’m talking about the betch. The betch takes bitchiness to a whole new level.

The betch is the kind of girl who washes her Plan B down with chardonnay. The betch has never heard of Kazakhstan—but dammit, she’s fluent in Kardashian. The betch thinks getting her “PhD” means landing the father of her future children, or her “Potential husband/Daddy”. She is highly knowledgable in all things Pregaming, but hasn’t the slightest idea why her blow drier didn’t work that time she went “abroad” to Italy. She has a black belt in talking shit, and a black Beemer to match. She is a caricature; she is a Regina George; she is a betch.

Vapid though she may seem, the betch is actually a complex character. To adequately understand the betch life, direct yourself to Betches Love This, a site which will make you laugh, cry, scream, and vomit–all at the same time.

If you’ve never heard of the site, imagine if Stuff White People Like and Total Sorority Move had a baby together–a spray-tanorexic, vodka-drenched baby. That baby would be Betches Love This. As the Daily Truffle so aptly put it, “if you have ever felt like there is too much positive influence for women in our society today, this site is your new best friend.”

On the site, the Betches describe themselves as the vagina-owning version of the Bro. This is most likely due to their thematic connection to the equally disturbing Bros Like This Site, which parades posts like “Poaching Bitches” and “Calling Girls Sluts”. Omg srsly, I am going to castrate somebody. Hmm…I guess Betches and Bros really do go hand in hand, because together they comprise a group that is utterly despised by most of the population.

I have a love-hate relationship with Betches Love This. I want to laugh. Really, I do. Because, even for all its wickedness, the betchy authors are consciously satirical. The posts are clever and well-crafted, and seem self-knowing despite all their ridiculousness.

For me, one of the biggest problems (and there are lots) lies with the comments section. The site has a huge following among actual betches, some of whom are completely oblivious to the humorous satirical elements. For instance, if the post is about dieting, there will always be at least one commenter who says something like, “Getting mono was the absolute best diet ever. I was sooo small for prom. Totally recommend it!” If it wasn’t for these dumb-as-shit commenters, I might be able to stomach the site.

If you don’t know whether or not you’re a betch, you’re probs not. But, just in case, I’ve created this handy diagram below to help you figure your shit out:

Betches Love This Diagram.

Congrats, now you know for sure.

Unfortunately, it’s time for me to go wash my mouth out with soap now, because writing this post has made me starting using phrases like “It’s like, whatever” and “Fucking duh”. Oh dear Lord, it’s contagious. I need to do something un-betchy STAT like read a book or, you know, have feelings.

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