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Mobile Uploading Muppets

August 2, 2011

It’s official. I am the last twenty-something in the first world without a smartphone. Woe is me.

Isn’t stock photography just the best?

This means I am lame. This means my walkie-talkie phone shakes violently when receiving data text messages, only to discover that it’s too moronic to retrieve the data anyways. This means I’m still playing Snake, when everyone else is beasting the umpteenth level of Angry Birds. Most importantly, this means I cannot mupload.

Muploading is, to the modern world, what owning a large flock of cattle was to the Middle Ages. Thirteenth century dudes with a mad flock of cows were all, “Prithee, dost thou pay morrow to mine stock”—which is basically today’s equivalent of “Check me out, I’m the freaking shit!”

Smartphoners love to mupload. It’s like a status update, except more obnoxious, because you can see it. A casual night out with the girls? Mup it up! A funny sign at a trendy eatery? Mupalicious! Somebody made a hilarious face? Mup is whasSUP!

Unfortunately for me, my inability to “tag” myself at local bars/restaurants/parties is really hampering my social life. There are times when I’d love to post a simple group pic with liquor drinks in hand and appropriately tipsy expressions, but nooooo, my phone is too dumb. How am I supposed to remind all my Facebook friends that I have IRL friends too? HOW. HOW, I ASK YOU!??!? IHAVEFRIENDSTOOISWEAR.

It’s a real problem, as you can see.

But if I had the power to mupload, I would choose a picture like the one below. It’s almost totally perfect, in that it really gets across a point that all muploads strive to achieve: “LOOK AT ME RAGING! I am having a bitchin’ time, while you’re at home alone on Facebook. HAHA.”

Let me tell you a story. It’s Friday night; you go out. You feel the need to let others know you are out. You are too cool to make entire Facebook albums; it’s better to let less fortunate souls catch a fleeting glimpse of your glamorous outing. Before the pic is even taken, you’ve already thought of a caption (eg. “Margarita niiiiight!”). You post the pic.

You get the necessary self-esteem boost, while other persons viewing the mupload immediately feel bad about themselves—because they’re not out raging like you. Most likely, they have been sitting on the couch with a computer in their lap for two hours. Probably longer. In fact, they’ve been sitting like that for so long, the heat from the bottom of the laptop has roasted their scrotum/ovaries, so they won’t be able to have babies ever and will be forced to die alone. But YOU. You are the life of the party. And now they know it.

That is the tale of the mobile upload. Use the mup wisely, my friends.

Sidenote: If you’re not having a crazy night on the town, but still wanna get mup-tastic, don’t worry! You can simply opt for Hipstamatic, Instagram, or one of those other yuppie apps that turn even the most mundane photos “artsy”. These apps are more for taking photos of things rather than people: a stray Starbucks cup, an eerily-lit window or, hell, even your own frikin’ shadow. You might not have friends, but dammit, you’re one artsy sonofabitch.

I’m not sure what’s in the toilet, but it doesn’t matter cuz OMG look how grainy and retro it is!!!

Now, my tune may change soon, as I have recently inherited a CrackBerry. I’m going to activate it real soon too, post a whole slew of mups, and then all of my Facebook and Twitter friends will know just how cool I really am. I am about to be a mothermupping rockstar.

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