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Total GDI Move (Part II)

June 8, 2011

In the wake of Part I (which you should totally read if you haven’t yet), someone has been kind enough to point out that I don’t understand Croakies because I don’t have any sunglasses expensive enough to “get it”. Touché, douchemeister. This is probably true, considering I don’t own any shades over $10. However, I still maintain that Croakies are the fashion equivalent of cell phone holsters. Think about it.

Misguided fashion statements aside, I have something really serious to bring to your attention. There is a phenomenon sweeping the nation, and it desperately needs to be made fun of.

Behold, the Total Sorority Move:

What is a TSM, you ask? Well, allow me to rock your world: an action is deemed a “Total Sorority Move” (or TSM) whenever one sorority girl does something that would make other sorority girls proud. There also exists the Total Frat Move, whose website launched one year ago this week. But my brain cannot process such ludicrous levels of misogyny, so I’ll leave you to suss that one out for yourself.

Disclaimer: This post is about to dive into a swarm of Privileged People Problems. I spent two hours picking out some of the most incriminating TSMs. If you have a queasy stomach, you best discontinue reading now, or else you’re going to see nausea-bait like this:

Still with me? Haven’t gauged your eyeballs out yet? Great.

So now you’re probably all like, “Whoa Steph, maybe you should lay off the Greek Life people? When did you get so bitchy?” To which I say, I can’t help it…they just make it so easy.

No, but on the real though: I have quite a few friends who belong to sororities and fraternities, and they are some of the most kind, intelligent, fun-loving, generous, awesomesauce people I know. They are nothing like the TSM website would have you believe, which is exactly why it’s so disgruntling. The problem is that TSM inherently claims to speak for the entire sorority experience, but that is far from the case. Because this is not real life:

Whenever I see something like this, I can’t help but wonder, WHO ARE THESE MONSTERS??! Certainly none of the decent, intelligent Greek Life people I know would ever utter such idiocy. Granted, not all TSMs are bad. Some of them are “cute”—but cute like too much Lilly cute, not like actually cute.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I understand most of the inside jokes from the TSM world. I, too, consider shopping to be my cardio, own stacks of Norts, and can tell–with alarming accuracy–the difference between a glue-gun burn, a curling iron burn, a hair-straightener burn, and a plain ol’ hickey. So yeah, I get the appeal of TSM. Except it has gone way too far, to the extent that anyone who falls into the category of GDI (“God Damn Independent”; a non-Greek Life person) is considered sub-human:

I would love to see someone attempt to defend this. Really. Because it seems like pure evil. Sure, there are some message board commenters that try to speak out, like, “Hey, that’s not nice!”—only to be quickly shut down by another commenter saying something like, “Only ugly people have to be nice, DUUHH”. Umm, excuse you?

I have taken it upon myself to critically analyze some of my favorite TSMs, so please enjoy:

Alright, I get that pearls are “classy” and can be quite pretty…when worn sparingly. However, since one out of every four TSMs mentions pearls, I can’t help wonder about these seemingly obsessive pearl necklace references: does this remind anyone else of ejaculation?

…Nope? Just me? Okay.

Also, haven’t you heard? The higher the roman numeral, the worse the sex. Experience….I mean, Sex and the City taught me that.

It’s time to get psychoanalytical, because the frat daddy issue needs to be addressed. The Freudian implication of putting “daddy” in “frat daddy” makes me really uncomfortable. Because that is some serious Electra Complex bullshit right there.

In case I’m not making myself clear enough: D-a-d-d-y-I-s-s-u-e-s. This girl wants to sleep with her father, subconsciously or otherwise. In this situation, she conforms to the role of the daughter by “coloring”. Hence, she infantilizes herself for her frat “daddy”, who is studying Adult Things. She probably expects this new daddy to replace her old daddy, and take care of her someday—financially and sexually, at the very least. Sick, right?

Also not real life. “The cook”? This is one step up from another TSM I saw that said “the help”. You would be crucified at my school for saying something like this. Crucified. Actually, they would lobotomize you first—then program your brain so that you could only say things like, “Hegemony sucks!” and “Sustainability rules!” And then they would crucify you. As they should.

Okay, I can’t even make fun because now I just feel really bad for you. This sounds like the exact opposite of fun. Normal people do not do this. You make me sad. Insert sadface emoticons.

I could make a joke about my little republican dog, who got his name because he’s greedy and always yapping about something unintelligible, but I’ll refrain. Please note that this was submitted by “Confederette”. I, for one, am amazed she knows how to operate a computer, considering she’s stuck in the 1850s.

This is from the same page where someone wrote, “Texting Daddy to find out who I’m supposed to vote for. TSM.” Honey, you do not deserve democracy.

Methinks this a case of chronic constipation. Holy shit! Rather, holy lack thereof. It’s not her fault she mistook the TSM website for WebMD…the feces have probably made it to her brain. They’ve got nowhere else to go! Somebody get this bitch some laxatives before she explodes.

Trust me, they are not staring in jealousy. Even right-leaning GDIs are just flabbergasted as to why you still think Fox News is a legitimate news source.

Phew, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I feel better already. To reiterate, the reason I am all in a tizzy about TSM is because I do have sorority friends. And although they may be quite annoyed with me after this post, they are not remotely like the villainous caricatures presented on the TSM website. This obnoxious site showcases all the worst aspects of Greek Life, presents an unrealistic picture of the srat/frat sphere, and does little to redeem itself to the rest of the world. All of us GDIs are left scratching our heads, trying to figure out how the TSM/TFM creators live with themselves.

I’ll leave you with this little gem:

Well, “Blonde Bomshell” (hah), at least someone else thinks they’re awful! Mmkay, that’s all I can handle. Time to go wash my brain.

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